If I Were A Snitch, Man Lyrics

(Ugh, I do not like being on this ship. It is cold and dark and lonely!
Maybe... if Viktor were Snitch... he could be Snitch of LOVE. You see, back in Bulgaria, Snitch chase YOU!)

If I were a Snitch, man
I would fly right off this ship and go right to the Quidditch pitch
Being cooped up makes me want to twitch
If I were a Golden Snitch

Fly to Karkaroff's room
Steal his vodka, steal his rum and have a party up on deck
If I were a tiny Golden Snitch
I could go anywhere that I liked

I'd fly to Diggory's room and look in his window
See how much gel is in his hair
I bet he combs it one hundred times a day
Then I'd fly up and I'd find Gryffindor Tower
See if Hermy-own-ninny was there
Get in the window or some other way

I'd turn back into Viktor, sweep her off her feet
And ask her to be my Yule Ball date
I see her in the Hogwarts library
She would tell me that she had been thinking of me
All through the days and through the nights
She'd say, "Oh Viktor, I think this is fate..."

If I were a Snitch, man
I would spy on Harry Potter to see if he solved the clue
The egg just screams, I don't know what to do!
Karkaroff, he is stumped too

If I were a Snitch, man
I would find that veela Fleur and I would hear what her egg said
All the boys want to get in her bed
But I want Hermy-own-ninny instead

I'd find a book on romance up in the library
Helps because I don't know what to say
Because I'm quiet, some people think I'm dumb
But I have plans for few years from now, I will come back
With diamond ring for her sweet hand
And then I'll make her Herm-own-ninny Krum

If I were a Snitch, man
All my problems would be gone and my life would be worry-free
Everything good would happen to me
It would be heavenly...

God who made the broomstick and the pitch
I want to win my lovely little witch
Just for one day, could you make the switch
And make me a Golden Snitch?