I'm No Russian Lyrics

I'm no Russian
Not even Prussian
Doorman at the yacht club
Was my one claim to fame

Some say I'm nervy
Hell, I'm from Jersey
This chasin' money
Can do things to your brain

How does a shore boy like me
Wind up out on the Black Sea

Dropped out of Harvard
Then joined the Coast Guard
Manned a faithful 50
On a boat in Gitmo

Did my duty
But missed the boo-tay
I heard that St. Barth
Was the place I should go

How could a coastie like me
Sail off into infamy?

I couldn't surf or sing or play the guitar
All I ever did was steal an oligarch's ca
My million dollar joy ride was not the perfect crime
And those bad boys from Little Odessa
Don't believe in wasting time

A Lamborghini Elemento
Ain't your average island car
"Park it close" the driver told me
Sounding like some kind of czar
With a bucket of Cristal
And devil weed inside
I thought it would be crazy not to take a ride

Flying through Gustavia
Passing Mini Mokes
Gendarmes at the roundabout
Didn't get the joe
Speeding down the hill
Like a Dassault Mirage
Parked it on the runway
And headed for la plage

Bar of fire
Din of desire
Dancing on a table
She was waving me in

Her name was Kira
She knew no fear-a
Then introduced me to
Her vampirish friends.

I'd never seen such a girl
was she from some future world?

Over thousand dollar vodka and kilos of caviar
I told them how I'd commandeered the oligarch's car
They were laughing, speaking Russian and getting over served
When Kira looked at me and said
"Could you take us round some curves?"

A chick drone strike
Is a lethal attack
You never see it comin'
And you can't fight back
They feel entitled to all access
From clubs to army camp-as
If you don't believe it
Ask those generals down in Tampa

The KGB and coppers
Soon joined the chase
Spectators lined the roads
Like a grand prix race

Dropped the girls at Ti St. Barth
To get them out of the commotion
Then I missed a curve at Toiny
And drove into the ocean.

Underwater
My world is sinking
Will I wind up like Pussy Riot?
That's what I'm thinking

Feeling foolish
My fate's a mystery
Don't want polonium
Rolled up in my sushi

Oh baby Jesus come through
I am in need of rescue

Now we can't leave this white boy
Drowning in the dark
What the hell was he thinkin'?
You don't fuck around with sharks
Turns out that lovely Kira
Held a most important tool
It was her daddy's Lamborghini
And she saved that crazy fool.

No he couldn't surf or sing or play the guitar
They made an artificial reef out of the oligarch's car
It was Kira, lovely Kira, who got him off the hook
They took her yacht to Istanbul
Just take a look

No, I couldn't surf or sing or play the guitar
All I ever did was steal an oligarch's car
My million dollar joy ride was not the perfect crime
But I'm not dead, still have my head
This margarita needs more lime!

(Thanks to Elizabeth for these lyrics)