John Darnielle Lyrics

The prettiest girl in the whole rotten world
Is a waitress in a strip club that also sells eggs
And she's a practicing lawyer, and all the dumb local yokels
Make their dumbass remarks and she picks up the dregs
She's got the achiest, breakiest heart that I've ever seen
And they don't sell condoms in the condom machine

The saddest little boy in all of Detroit
Rides a broken-down ten-speed to the store in the rain
For milk, eggs and smokes, and his dad is a pederast
And he takes him out back when he needs someone to blame
He's got the achiest, breakiest heart that I've ever seen
And they don't sell condoms in the condom machine

And I'm a cranky old man with a hand-painted sign that says
"The US should get out of UN, now"
And I'm shaking my fist at the hipsters and syndaclists
Who care what I think what they care anyhow
And my wife is a bulldog with a very long leash
And she's barking all night at the hole in my head that says
"We're running out of time, yeah we are almost out of time"
And I am hedging my bets that we're better off dead
And her face turns red as my liver turns green
They don't sell condoms in the condom machine