The Diet Lyrics

Breakfast: black coffee, one slice of dry toast,
No butter, no jelly, no jam.
Lunch: just some lettuce, two celery stalks,
No booze, no potatoes, no ham.
Dinner: one chicken wing, broiled, not fried,
No gravy, no biscuits, no pie.
And this dietin', dietin', dietin'
Sure is a rough way to die.

So pass me a carrot stick, peel me a prune,
A glass of skim milk and that's all.
Turn off the TV, for the Big Mac commercial,
It's drivin' me right up the wall.
And I'm think' of french fries, sausage and waffles,
Spaghetti and cookies and cake.
And each night I'm dreamin' of chocolate ice cream and
I'm starvin' to death when I wake -- all for your sake.

You're fixin' the kids all those creamed mashed potatoes,
But it's bouillon and water for me.
And you got a lock on the refrigerator.
Lord knows where you're hidin' the key.
And while I'm starvin' for food late at night,
I'm starvin' for lovin' from you.
But you say that when I can see my own dick,
You'll be glad to look at it, too.

Supper: two pieces of cauliflower raw,
Some beefsteak the size of a nail,
One sliced tomato -- a small dab of slaw.
I swear I ate better in jail.
Stop eatin' that pizza right under my nose,
Girl; that's the least you can do.
And put down that candy bar while I am talkin';
I'm starvin' my ass off for you.

And when I am dead, with the insurance paid,
You'll look down at me and you'll grin.
You'll say, "Well, the boy tried, and he suffered and died,
But don't he look good when he's thin?"